Letting Go - Moving Beyond Grief
I’m ready to let my Father’s things go.
It has been nearly three years since he died. At and around the time of his death, I grabbed whatever reminded me of him and brought it home with me, intending to hold onto it forever.
At least that’s how I felt then. A way to keep him alive? I’m not sure.
I have moments of pure gratitude, where I feel so lucky to have had him for as long as I did. He did, after all, have a litany of health issues – though you’d never really know it by looking at him or by his attitude. He hid it all very well. He spent over half of his adult life with half a working heart; most people probably didn’t know that. I’m sure many people knew he had two open-heart surgeries in his lifetime, his first before he even turned twenty-one. Even with all that damage, he had the biggest heart of anyone I have ever met. He was a natural leader and generous to a fault.
And then I have my moments where I feel lost. Those moments of self-doubt when I could really hear his reassurances. Or just his voice calling me doll baby, when I would feel like a child, all safe and secure.
As the holidays arrive, I’m reflective. The memories are easier to access without the sadness – usually. The need for his advice and his love never goes away. Often, I can comfort myself knowing he’s here, always. And if I listen deep enough, I can still hear him. (I almost wrote – if I listen hard enough – and realized that was not quite the right way to describe it.) The voices in my heart are delicate – try too hard to hear them, they scatter away like leaves on an autumn breeze. I can hear his voice in the silence when I am calm and counting my blessings.
All of my most precious blessings – my husband, my children, would not have been possible without my Father’s love and advice.
This Thanksgiving was extra special because I’m at a place in my heart where I’m full of the love that he’s passed on to me. I am ready to let go of the material things that reminded me of him. He is always with me. And I am ready to emerge from that shadow and the sadness that has kept me from shining as brightly as I know I can (I was going to link it here, but it’s just come to my attention that I lost all of my 2019 blogs, I will repost it ) – because of all the things he has taught me and showed me. How he lived and how he raised me. It is my turn to fully be that for other people.
I’m ready Dad.
I’m ready to be the woman you raised me to be.
A leader.
From the bottom of my heart, I thank you for everything you’ve given me. And continue to give.
It’s time, let’s do this.